Happiness lessons from Life Coach Ishita Kotiya

by Team Conscious Carma

Your Happiness is in your hands

The feeling of being unheard, mistreated, love deprived and alone. Ever felt like you’re giving your 100% into your relationship or marriage but still getting nothing in return? You’re doing everything possible to keep the relationship alive but you always find yourself to be the only person putting in efforts while doing that. While looking for happiness, you have completely forgotten how to be happy until and unless that validation is coming from your partner. All this may sound like a toxic relationship but in reality a toxic relationship is a fruit of gaslighting done on you for years and years, with layers on layers. Gaslighting is later transformed into what is known as “Emotionally abusive relationship”. While on the bigger picture, all of this comes under the Narcissistic personality disorder – Gaslighting is something which doesn’t necessarily have to be related with a personality disorder. A person who doesn’t have any other characteristic of a personality disorder can also be playing a huge role of gaslighting in his/her relationship.

Gaslighting – modern way of abuse

Gaslighting is an emotionally manipulative technique used on victims by their partners for the major role of CONTROL. It makes you question your own perception of reality & can most certainly make you question your own sense of sanity.

Let’s explain it with an example

Meena loved going out for shopping but whenever she would ask her husband Pratham to come along, he would bluntly deny telling her that it is perfectly fine if she decides to go alone as he has some office work to complete. Meena being 6 months pregnant, goes to shopping alone as she knows that Pratham would not like to join but after a while she sees Pratham hanging out with his friends and drinking as he puts up photos on his social media. Meena decides to confront him the next morning because she wanted to know why did Pratham lie that he had work but decided to go with friends anyway. When confronted, Pratham started screaming and shouting. He said “Meena, do you want me to leave work? How will we earn our bread and butter?” While Meena tries to emphasise that her question did not include asking Pratham to leave work, she finds herself trapped in a ball of fear made by Pratham’s shouting and the nature of not answering the question which Meena asked but replying to something extremely opposite and making her believe that it was what she actually meant, while she absolutely did not. Meena ends up crying and Pratham blames her for creating situations like these and then crying and playing the victim, while still not answering her original question or comforting her with his words or actions. He leaves her alone and goes to office while Meena is left thinking that she did something terribly wrong and she should have given Pratham some space. She now has a lot of guilt and has completely forgotten the reason why all of this started at the first place.

Effects and ways of  gaslighting

 It leaves you with a sense of failure, it makes you question your reality, you start doubting yourself, you start excusing your partner’s bad behaviour, you start believing the reality provided by your partner instead of the actual reality.

Gaslighting comes in many layers and patterns, you start noticing repeated lying instead of coming out clean, your partner starts denying the evidence of every argument, you’re often misdirected and subjected to change of topics while you try to clarify something which has deeply hurt you. Gas lighters often end up bringing something that triggers you emotionally when they find themselves stuck and think that their lies are going to come out. They make you feel that you need to be dependent on someone else to make each and every decision in your life because you yourself are not capable enough.

You end up constantly doubting yourself, being emotionally exhausted, and you even tend to hide the abuse from other people because you know it’ll change the perspective of your partner in the eyes of those people, which you don’t want because your partner has gaslighted you to believe that you are the one who is wrong and you are the one who should be guilty of it.

While all this implies a game of control in the abuser’s mind, the victims get so used to being in control that whenever they try to step out of it, they feel lost, abandoned, anxious, depressed, obsessed with doing what the partner likes and completely giving up on self love.

How to come out of it – Forgive yourself

When my clients ask me how should they come out of it? I always tell them that it was done to you in layers and while coming out of it you will have to take off those layers one by one too, otherwise you will feel emotionally drained and end up going back to the same abusive relationship. The very first step to come out of it is Forgiving yourself! You need to forgive yourself for allowing that person to damage you the way he/she did. You will have to allow yourself to forgive you for feeling torn and tired because of a person who could not give anything to you except pain and trauma. Remember your Happiness is in your hands.

Your journey of coming out of it will have a huge part of practising self love every day, consistently. It will include self-acceptance, self-confidence and the sense of taking control of your life on your own!. Meditation, good nutrition and eating food that gives your soul happiness, going out on your own to practice self-love, all this makes a perfect to-do-list while planning to step into this journey of healing oneself from an abusive relationship and a gaslighting partner.

About Life Coach & Energy Healer Ishita Kotiya

All of 24, the young and talented Ishita Kotiya is helping increase the happiness quotient of her clients globally.  A certified life coach from Symbiosis, California and accredited from International Coaches Federation (ICF), Ishita started this journey witnessing the growing number of people suffering from low self esteem. She has successfully coached more than 100 individuals and healed more than 200 patients globally, in the past two years of her practice.

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